The Laws of Golf

There are the Rules of Golf, set forth by the USGA and R&A. Then there are the Laws of Golf, as immutable as Newton’s Laws of Motion but far more capricious. Here they are:

1. Any good round will be immediately followed by a lousy one. Bragging about the latter greatly increases the probability of the latter.

2. The newer a golf ball, the more attracted it is to water. This attraction increases with the price of the ball.

3. Every topped, chunked or bladed shot will elicit the comment, “You looked up,” from at least one playing partner. The actual cause is immaterial.

4. A golfer’s belief in his teaching abilities is directly related to his handicap. Thus, the higher the handicap, the more qualified he considers himself to offer swing advice.

5. A golf cart that stalls is always at the farthest possible point from the clubhouse.

6. Any golfer who hits into your group will always be larger than any member of your group.

7. Any group you hit into accidentally will comprise some combination of the following: football player, wrestler, lumberjack, convicted murderer, prison guard, mafia don, personal injury lawyer and Bobby Knight.

8. Every putter will become possessed by a demon at least once in its lifetime. (Note: In recorded history, there has never been a successful exorcism of the terrifying “Yips Demon.”)