Bob Hope – Clown Prince of Golf Joke

Nobody loved golf more than comedian Bob Hope. No one loved to joke about it more, either.

Hope’s favorite target was himself, followed closely by President Gerald Ford. An avid but notoriously wild golfer, Ford was a good friend of Hope’s and took the good-natured ribbing in stride.

Here’s a selection of Hope’s best golf lines:

  • “Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.”
  • “Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.”
  • On his pal Bing Crosby’s silky swing: “You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.”
  • “Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only trouble is that when I win, I always have to engage an attorney before I can draw the money.”
  • “If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.”
  • “I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.”
  • “If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.”
  • “Whenever I play with him (President Ford), I usually try to make it a foursome – the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.”
  • “Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.”
  • “It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course – you just follow the wounded.”
  • “The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...”
  • “We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. (President Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.”
  • “It was a great honor to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.”
  • “Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.”
  • “Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.”
  • “My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!”
  • “Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”
  • “President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.”
  • “If (President Eisenhower) slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.”
  • “Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.”
  • “Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.”
  • “On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.”
  • “Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.”
  • “We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.”
  • “I tell jokes to pay my green fees.”