Best Golf One-Liners, Part I Joke

    Over the decades, it seems like everyone has had a little fun at golf’s expense – from comedians to politicians to golfers themselves. Here are some choice zingers from famous folks:

  • “Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” – Jack Benny, comedian
  • “The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.” – Will Rogers, actor
  • “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” – John Updike, author
  • “Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” – Jim Bishop, author
  • “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” – P.J. O’Rourke, satirist
  • “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.” – Sam Snead, legendary pro golfer
  • “If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.” – Horace G. Hutchinson, early pro golfer
  • “They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” – Gardner Dickinson, pro golfer and instructor
  • “Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” – William Wordsworth, poet
  • “If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.” – Dean Martin, entertainer
  • “If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.” – Tommy Bolt, famously temperamental pro golfer
  • “The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.” – Pete Dye, notorious course designer
  • “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham, minister
  • “If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” – Jack Lemmon, actor
  • “It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” – Mark Twain, author
  • “Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” – Harry Vardon, legendary pro golfer
  • Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. -- Grantland Rice
  • Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. -- John Updike
  • It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. -- Robert Lynd
  • If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. -- Horace G. Hutchinson
  • They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. -- Gardner Dickinson
  • If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. -- Sam Snead
  • Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. -- William Wordsworth
  • If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -- Dean Martin
  • If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. -- Tommy Bolt
  • Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -- Bishop Sheen
  • I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. -- Arnold Palmer
  • My handicap? Woods and irons. -- Chris Codiroli
  • The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. -- Pete Dye
  • I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! -- Buddy Hackett
  • The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. -- Billy Graham
  • If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. -- Jack Lemmon
  • It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain
  • Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. -- Harry Vardon
  • Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. -- Jimmy DeMaret
  • May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. -- Ben Hogan
  • If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -- Anon
  • The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -- George Deukmejian
  • Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. -- Lee Trevino
  • Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. -- Woody Woodbury
  • The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and cell phone out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek. -- Anon