- “Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” – Jack Benny, comedian
- “The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.” – Will Rogers, actor
- “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” – John Updike, author
- “Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” – Jim Bishop, author
- “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” – P.J. O’Rourke, satirist
- “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.” – Sam Snead, legendary pro golfer
- “If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.” – Horace G. Hutchinson, early pro golfer
- “They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” – Gardner Dickinson, pro golfer and instructor
- “Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” – William Wordsworth, poet
- “If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.” – Dean Martin, entertainer
- “If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.” – Tommy Bolt, famously temperamental pro golfer
- “The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.” – Pete Dye, notorious course designer
- “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham, minister
- “If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” – Jack Lemmon, actor
- “It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” – Mark Twain, author
- “Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” – Harry Vardon, legendary pro golfer
- Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice
- Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike
- It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd
- If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson
- They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson
- If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. — Sam Snead
- Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth
- If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. — Dean Martin
- If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt
- Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen
- I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer
- My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
- The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. — Pete Dye
- I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett
- The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham
- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
- It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
- Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon
- Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret
- May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan
- If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. — Anon
- The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. — George Deukmejian
- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
- Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury
- The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and cell phone out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek. — Anon
Over the decades, it seems like everyone has had a little fun at golf’s expense – from comedians to politicians to golfers themselves. Here are some choice zingers from famous folks:
